Three months already. Three months ago we started on this journey. The journey that would bring us to where we are today. Living life without one of our children.
I love that we were able to take so many pictures of all our time with Abby. Although, I still can't look at them without all the memories rushing back. Without tears running down my face. But I treasure them so!
I remember how much hope I had when Abby's little hand held my finger. I thought she was going to have a long road ahead of her but that everything was going to be ok. I don't think that losing her was even a possibility in my mind at this point. They said the cooling blanket had a high success rate and I didn't think for one minute that it wasn't going to work for Abby too. Between that and the power of prayer I knew everything was going to be OK.
But suddenly deep down we knew. We would walk slowly down the short hall from our room to the NICU. We wanted to spend every non-sleeping minute with Abby. But neither of us wanted to hear those dreaded words we knew were coming. The words telling us that our little baby girl wasn't going to be ok. We didn't want to face the decisions that we were going to have to face. Through these days we leaned on each other for support. And the power of those prayers were oh so crucial in helping us get through those long hard days.
It was so difficult saying goodbye each time we left our girl for the night. We wanted to stay but got to the point where you were so physically and emotionally exhausted that you just had to get away for a little while and recharge on what little sleep we were getting. I remember this night in particular we were having trouble leaving her and ended up taking the blanket she was laying on with us back to the room. We still have the blanket and it's a special memento to us.
I still remember how the NICU was so accommodating. Even after we knew that Abby wasn't going to survive they still did want they could to make her (and us) comfortable. They didn't rush us through any decisions or processes. They lovingly did everything possible to support us through the hardest days of our lives. These next pictures were right before bed, when we'd kiss her good bye so many times, dragging our feet when it came to leaving and thankful we were just down the hall in case something happened.
I never imagined I'd have a baby that would fit so perfectly into a newborn outfit. What a beautiful little doll she was! Mike would always kiss her and tell her how beautiful she was. I was never really able to do that - I would try but trying to get those words out would just make me bawl. I'd tell her I love you. And I would tell her that I was so sorry for what she was going through(she was always so peaceful which I was always thankful for). And I was able to show her so much love through my touch. I made sure she was always held by someone and at night time when I couldn't hold her I would snuggle her in right next to me - keeping her close because we never were quite sure when she was going to slip away from us.
Remember how I thought everything was going to be OK? Well, it is OK. We are all doing OK. Although it is not at all what we wanted we have found our new normal without Abby. Not a day goes by without thinking of her several times. Some days hurt more than others. Wednesdays I think about her being born, Thursdays I think about her passing away, Saturdays I think about her being buried. So many memories packed into 15 days. She is permanently imprinted upon our hearts. I don't believe the ache in our hearts will every completely go away. Unless God makes it clear to us we will always wonder why. Why did this have to happen to us. Why did our little girl, who was so wanted and so loved have to leave us? But we also know that God is good. And that God is in control. And that even when we don't understand we can still trust Him. God is faithful and continues to heal our broken hearts. And even though it won't be the same as an earthly relationship we have the hope of seeing Abby in heaven someday. Which I'm sure will be far greater than we can ever imagine!
P.S. It is late(I should be sleeping) and my proof reader is sleeping so hopefully there aren't to many typos in this post(always a concern). If so I will try to fix them later. Love to you all!!
