Sometimes I Can't

Everywhere you go they are there. It’s something that can’t be avoided after you lose a child. The pregnant woman, the woman with a newborn, the woman with a baby that looks to be about the age that your baby should be, the woman with the little girl dancing around happily(something my baby will never experience). And yes, while I do feel that I have gone through this journey with grace thus far sometimes I’m still human and here’s the honest truth sometimes I can’t…

Sometimes I can’t be happy for that glowing pregnant Momma.

Sometimes I can’t be happy when a family posts about the birth of their new baby.

Sometimes I can’t be happy seeing pictures of a new family of four.

Sometimes I can’t be happy seeing a Momma carrying a car seat with pink blankets surrounding it.

Sometimes I can’t be happy seeing a Momma or Daddy snuggled up with their 2 month old baby who is their whole world.

Sometimes I can’t like that photo on Facebook or say “Congratulations”. Sometimes I even hide it from my news feed so I don’t have to see it and be reminded of what we are missing.

Sometimes those baby pictures on Instagram just make my heart ache and ask “why me?”.

Don’t misunderstand. I am glad you are holding your baby because I would never wish things like infertility or the loss of a child on anyone. And please know that deep down I really am happy that you are happy! Don’t stop sharing those pictures of the children you love! I probably have been and someday may again be the woman with the baby who is causing someone else’s heart to hurt. It is in those “why me?” moments and those “Sometimes I can’t” moments that I have to stop and regroup.  To thank God for the many blessings I have in my life. Health, a happy marriage, a crazy rambunctious toddler, a beautiful home, food on the table, family and friends and so much more. It’s then that I ask God to help me to continue walking this journey with grace and that I’ll let Him use me(us) in some way to help others because of this.

Recipe for "A Happy Marriage"

I was looking in my recipe box yesterday (something I never do) and it was a mess because Levi had spilled all the recipe cards out at some point and we just put them back quickly and randomly. As I'm looking though the cards I ran across this magazine clipping. I don't know who wrote it but I love it just the same! It says...

Recipe for "A Happy Marriage" 

Take two happy people and separate them
from their parents. Add the following
ingredients in generous proportions:  

Love 
Acceptance 
Communication 
Patience 
Kindness 
Gentleness 
Self-Control 
Commitment 
Faith 
Hope 
Truth

Mix together, then thoroughly sift in daily life. 
Strain out jealousy, arrogance, selfishness, 
provocation and accounting of wrongs. 
Bake in the trials and tribulations of life for 50 years, 
then celebrate when golden.  

Author Unknown

So sweet right?! It makes me think back to those first moments after you say "I do". When it feels like life couldn't be any more perfect or that you couldn't love someone anymore than you do at that very moment. This picture was taken right after we walked down the isle as husband and wife. It's one of my favorites. We didn't know what was going to happen a year from them moment or five years from this moment. More than anything we were probably relieved that the wedding ceremony was over. And we were very HAPPY!!

I think the only thing the recipe above was missing is God. We aren't the perfect couple and fail daily. These days we struggle to do devotions together, something that came easy prior to having Levi. And we've never fallen into the routine of praying with each other daily. But I truly feel that without God at the center of your marriage you may find yourself in some stormy seas. Even having God in your marriage  doesn't mean that things are always smooth sailing. You will still have your ups and downs, your good days and bad days.

People cautioned us several times after we lost Abby to make sure we didn't let the loss of our baby destroy our marriage. Levi's Doctor stopped one night while Abby was still living and prayed with us and specifically for our marriage and I'm sure others were as well! I'm sure this type of loss effects everyone differently. For us I feel like it made us cling to each other more than we ever have before and we were able to be strong for our other half when they were struggling to hold it together. I just had a flash back to a special comment that was posted on Mike's Facebook wall the day of Abby's memorial service. A friend of Mike's said the following:

"What can seem to be one of the hardest days you and Melissa will ever face, I wanted to maybe share some things I observed today. Though a hard day, it was a beautiful day. Beautiful in such a way that from an outsider I saw how much love Abby had in her short time, I saw how much love and support you have from both sides of your family, (which sometimes can not be taken lightly). But most of all in a time like this I saw something very important. I saw the love and support between you and Melissa. Often we forget the ones we need to lean on the most. Both of you were very strong today, continue to lean on one another. What you guys have is "beautiful" "

I pray that we always have something that others can look at and view as beautiful. Because I would never want our marriage to be anything other than that. God has brought us together as husband and wife in a marriage that I hope we always cherish and never take for granted! <3

To My Daughter Abby - Love Daddy

It seems surreal to think back six weeks ago when we were excitedly expecting to meet you at the hospital. I have been thinking about the highlights of expecting you. I remember when we first made it public that we were having another baby and how January seemed like a long way off. I remember hearing your heartbeat for the first time. It seems like yesterday when I was looking up at the monitor watching you wiggle and I was told you were a girl and I was going to have a daughter. I was so excited and Mommy and I  began suggesting names for you. Mommy wanted to name you Abby and I compromised with Abigail. The stories of King David are my favorite in the Bible and Abigail was the name of a kind and wise woman who stopped David from a terrible mistake. She later married David. I thought the name was perfect for you.

Friends gave us so many clothes and outfits that we didn't need to do much shopping for you. I enjoyed going to the outlets in Hagerstown with Mommy and picking out some clothes for you. We wanted to pick the outfit that you would wear when we brought you home from the hospital. As the time got closer to your due date we got your nursery ready and installed the car seat in the van.

The labor started early Wednesday morning on the 13th of January. Again I was so excited when Mommy woke me up and we got ready to go. I had no idea how your birth was going to unfold. I was so worried about you and Mommy while I waited. I saw them rush you out of the operating room with a crowd of people around you. I was nervous when I was finally able to see you. I hate to admit it but I was afraid to grow attached to you in case I was to lose you. It was silly looking back on it. I was already very attached to you.

My first thought when I looked at you was how beautiful and perfect you looked. It wasn't long before you were being flown to York and as much as I didn't want to leave your Mommy I couldn't wait to follow you and be with you. We had so much hope that you would be OK and would enjoy a life with us. I have no words to explain how I felt when we learned that you would not be with us long.

I am thankful for being able to hold you and tell you how much I loved you and how beautiful you were. I told you I would never forget you. The silence of some people I cross paths with hurts me at times. Just because you are gone doesn't mean I don't think about you every day. Why would pretending like you didn't exist make me feel better? Someone told me they were sorry they brought you up. I told them you were my daughter and like anyone else I enjoyed talking and sharing about my daughter.

I look forward to seeing you again in the next life after this one. I don't think I will ever understand  why you were not able to stay here with us. As heartbreaking as the experience was I don't ever wish you didn't happen. Family, friends, doctors, nurses, and other were so kind and helpful I feel overwhelmed trying to say thank you. Everyone who met you loved you Abby. We have a few of your things that are very precious to us. I love you Abby and I will never forget you.

Love, Daddy

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

Today is six weeks since you came into our lives. Tomorrow is a month since you left us. Some people ask me how I am or how we are doing. Other people don't say anything at all. I realize it's a difficult subject for most people to bring up. Maybe they think it will make us sad or even cry. Maybe they think that it will remind us that we lost you - when the truth is we will never forget and the silence hurts more than the mention of your name. It's OK though. I truly understand that bringing up the loss of someone's child is uncomfortable for many. Looking back at a time before you I would have been the same way.

I want to write to you even though you aren't here to read it. To just say how much I(and Daddy too) miss you. When I think about how much I miss you then the tears start welling up in my eyes and eventually spill down my cheeks. I love looking at pictures of you but it also makes me cry at the same time. Knowing that when some of them were taken we had so much hope. And when others were taken we were hurting so badly - especially during those last couple days of your life.

 

I washed all the clothes and blankets that you used. Except your one sleeper - the one you were wearing when you passed away. I was hoping I would still be able to smell you but your scent has already faded away. It will always be an outfit that I treasure forever along with the quilt that Grammy made you, the headband that you wore at the NICU, a photo card that the NICU made for us, your lovie and of course every single picture that we have of you!

 

I'll always remember how all the Doctors (and nurses) at the NICU were so caring and took great care of you. I've emailed the one Doctor a couple time and he wants us to stay in touch - he said "your family has touched me and you will always be remembered".  It really meant a lot. Another Doctor even called while you were still alive to see how we were doing and ask if I had any questions. Then yesterday we got a letter from him and it was nice to know even a month later we haven't been forgotten!

Your life was so short but you touched many hearts and so many people will never forget you. Most especially your family! We will never forget that dark head of hair, your sweet little face and those adorable little lips! You were a true beauty!  How we still wish we could have held you just a little longer and been able to watch you grow. We are comforted in knowing that you are safe with Jesus and that we will someday join you in heaven. One of our friends little boy's prayed one evening and asked for your Daddy and I to have another baby that's a girl and that she wouldn't be sick. Maybe Jesus will let you pick out a sweet little sister to send to us someday soon (though a little brother would be welcomed too). XOXO

 

I will always love you my beautiful little Abby Rose! And will forever carry you in my heart! <3

Love, Mommy

We Will Dance

I already posted this but came back to add a personal note(instead of just song lyrics). This coming June, Mike and I will have been married 6 years! It was a "whirlwind" courtship. Dating, engaged and married all within a year. I always said I just knew it in my heart that he was the man for me. I've said it before and I'll say it again(many times I'm sure) that I'm so thankful to have Mike walk this journey of life with me. Through the ups and downs, good times and bad I'm glad he's the hand I have to hold and cling to. It's only been 6 years, a small amount of time, but I can't imagine life without him as my partner in this journey we call life! I love you Mike!

"We Will Dance" 

I've watched the sunrise in your eyes

And I've seen the tears fall like the rain

You've seen me fight so brave and strong

You've held my hand when I'm afraid

We've watched the seasons come and go

We'll see them come and go again

But in winter's chill, or summer's breeze

One thing will not be changin'

And we will dance

When the sun is shining in the pouring rain

We'll spin and we'll sway

And we will dance

When the gentle breeze becomes a hurricane

The music will play

And I'll take your hand and hold you close to me

And we will dance

Sometimes it's hard to hold you tight

Sometimes we feel so far apart

Sometimes we dance as one

And feel the beating of each others heart

Some days the dance is slow and sweet

Some days we're bouncing off the walls

But no matter how this world may turn

Our love will keep us from fallin'

And we will dance

When the sun is shining in the pouring rain

We'll spin and we'll sway

And we will dance

When the gentle breeze becomes a hurricane

The music will play

And I'll take your hand and hold you close to me

And we will dance

The music will play

And I'll hold you close and I won't let go

Even when our steps grow weak and slow

Still I'll take your hand and hold you close to me

And we will dance

Sweet Little One

O precious, tiny, sweet little one 

You will always be to me

So perfect, pure, and innocent

Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and of your life 

And all that it would be

We waited and longed for you to come 

And join our family.

We never had the chance to play, 

To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.

We long to hold you, touch you now

And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother.

He'll always be your dad.

You will always be our child,

The child that we had.

But now you're gone...but yet you're here.

We sense you everywhere.

You are our sorrow and our joy.

There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong.

We'll forget you never--

The child we had so briefly,

And yet will have forever.

Author: C.P.

Continuing to share some of the pictures that we had taken while Abby was with us...

 

I Love You Written In Red

A different kind of Valentine's Day post... Mike and I don't really do anything for Valentine's day. It's what we refer to as a "Hallmark" holiday and we prefer to save our money for a date night sometime or for a anniversary gift for each other. When agape love was mentioned this morning in church and the below song was sung and I couldn't help but thinking about how much God loves us. 

I like this definition I found to describe agape love - "the highest form of love, especially brotherly love, charity; the love of God for man and of man for God.

Below is a reminder for all of us that no one will ever love or care about you more than God does. He gave the ultimate gift when he sent his Son to die for our sins. 

 

I Love You Written In Red 

In letters of crimson, God wrote His love On the hillside so long, long ago; For you and for me Jesus died, And love's greatest story was told. I love you, I love you That's what Calvary said; I love you, I love you, I love you, written in red. Down through the ages, God wrote His love With the same hands that suffered and bled; Giving all that he had to give, A message so easily read. I love you, I love you That's what Calvary said; I love you, I love you, I love you, written in red. I love you, I love you... I love you, written in red.