Monday, February 1, 2016

Abigail (Abby) Rose - January 21, 2016 Update

We decided yesterday afternoon to bring Abby home. We wanted to be with our son Levi and be closer to our support system (family, friends, etc). This is the hardest thing we have ever faced in our lives. I am glad we were able to allow family and friends to visit and hold Abby. We try to show her as much love as possible. Not that we want to be cruel or give her up sooner than we have to but we pray that this will not be drawn out and that Abby will suffer as little as possible. That is always our major concern and we appreciate the hospice nurse being able to check on her and assure us that she is showing no signs of discomfort or pain. A social worker came to visit us today and was a blessing in a time like this. It was nice being able to talk things out and we covered many different areas and concerns as we move forward. I think what really hit me today was that this will be a life long pain. I believe for some reason I thought there was a finish line at the end and everything would be the way it was. I am not saying we will never be happy again or experience joy with Levi and any other children we are hopefully blessed with. I am saying that some time many years from now I'll break down and cry as I think of my beautiful daughter whose life was so brief. I also believe even more now that God is calling me into some sort of ministry. I feel like I am not a good enough Christian, husband, or father to do anything but I felt called to do something for a few years now. I just put it off or find an excuse. I challenge anyone reading this to get real with God now and not just use Him as a backup plan when something like what we are experiencing comes up. It's easier said than done. We need to pray just as hard when the sun is shining and we feel like nothing's wrong. 

Bringing Abby home was such a difficult decision for me. The hospital felt safe. Sometimes I would go into the shower in our room and not want to come out. The world is a scary place when your baby is dying. I spent Thursday evening through Wednesday in the NICU wing at the York hospital and the nurses and doctors quickly became a new kind of family and it was hard to leave all those caring faces and hands behind. But I was ready to go home. Mike and I needed our own bed to sleep in(even then it's not a perfect night's sleep) And as much as Abby needs us, Levi was also in need of his Mommy and Daddy. He's a smart little man and knows that something is wrong. Plus being so much closer to all our our loved ones is comforting. In the middle of the night last night Levi came into our bedroom and was pretty happy to find Daddy and Mommy there. :-) We also have Abby snuggled in bed with us close by our side. As Mike said we are showering her with all the love and attention possible. The only time she wasn't being held today was when the hospice nurse was checking her or I was changing her clothes/diaper so you know how loved she is!! I believe the words could keep flowing for awhile but exhaustion is setting in so I'll save that for later. I do want to say that despite his doubt I have the most amazing husband and if I had to go through this with anyone I am so thankful to have him by my side. Sometimes all we can do it cling to each other and cry and I'm so thankful that we can be there for each other through this new journey. Life has forever changed for us. Not necessarily for the bad but through Abby a new chapter in our life is starting. 
- Melissa

No comments:

Post a Comment