Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Four Weeks

TODAY is four weeks. Four weeks since I went into labor. Four weeks since we excitedly headed for the hospital to welcome our little girl. Four weeks since I awoke from a c-section to hear the words from a nurse "your baby is very sick" and a tearful husband beside me. Four weeks since heartache stole our joy and our lives were changed forever...

PREGNANCY was normal. Aside from some mild hypertension things were smooth sailing. Sure there was the normal morning sickness which wasn't as bad as what I had with Levi, it just lasted a little longer. We were excited to be having a girl! A couple of times towards the end of pregnancy I went to the hospital to have my blood pressure monitored but it and my lab work was normal every time. Because they were concerned about pre-eclampsia we finally decided to go ahead with an induction on the eve of my due date. Tuesday evening I was feeling crampy and by Wednesday morning (January 13, 2016) at 1:30 in the morning I knew that contractions had indeed started. They were about 3 minutes about for over an hour so we decided to go to the hospital. I was "barely" 3 centimeters which was a little disappointing but I wasn't surprised. I was admitted to the hospital and we decided to do laps for awhile in hopes of speeding things up. After awhile we were dizzy from walking in circles around labor and delivery and headed back to our room. I sat on the birth ball for awhile debating on if I wanted an epidural or not.

I wasn't progressing very quickly and because I had a c-section with Levi I decided to get an epidural just in case I ended up back in the operating room. I wanted to be awake for my baby's birth. So we went ahead and proceeded with a epidural. It was a relief not to feel the contractions anymore and to be able to rest for awhile. Baby and I were both doing fine. Then I started getting nauseous and thought I was going to throw up (and I did several times after I started pushing). They said people often get nauseous during the transition period of labor so the midwife checked and I was 10 cm. Time to start pushing! I never made it this far with Levi's labor so I was exited - my vbac was actually happening. An hour and a half later I was still pushing and I believe at that point there were some concerns about the baby. The Dr came in for me to push one more time to see if using the vacuum was an option, however her head was still up to high. So away we went for a c-section. My epidural had worn off at that point and I was in excruciating pain while they were getting me prepped for the c-section. I'm pretty sure I was moaning something awful and I actually couldn't wait for them to put me under the general anesthesia.

AND then I woke up. Woke up to find out that things didn't go well. That when Abby was born her heart wasn't beating and she wasn't breathing. That she was soon going to be on her way to the NICU at York Hospital for 72 hours on a cooling blanket to see if they could minimize potential brain damage. I didn't get to hold her, I barely got to see her before she was whisked away.

BUT we had hope... Hope because they resuscitated Abby quickly and because the cooling blanket had a lot of success. Most of you know how this story ends. Abby's brain damage was too severe for the cooling blanket to work. After 15 days with us on this earth on January 28th Abby went to be with Jesus.

It's strange how it already feels like it's been forever since I've held my baby girl. Since I've given her kisses. But tomorrow is only two weeks since she passed away.

Do I still cry? Absolutely. Some days I can think of my baby girl and smile. Other days tears just won't stop flowing. There will always be a part of me missing. But there is still joy. Joy that we got to meet our little girl, hold her and kiss her and tell her how much we loved her. Joy that even know we'd rather have her here with us that she is in a far better place -  heaven with Jesus. And that someday we will join her! As the verse in Psalm says...


  1. Ypu have been much in my thoughts today, we prayed for you at church tonight. My dad even mentioned you're situation in reference to Heb. 11:1. Faith in God, He is faithful, and I'm praying He carries you through!

  2. Oh mybdear sister. I read you stiry and cry with you. I hold my babies a little longer. I pray Gods comfort carries you.

  3. You are so very brave to be so vulnerable. Thank you for giving us a glimpse into such a raw place. My family is praying for your family. I'm so thankful you are already comforted by having been able to hold and kiss your precious daughter.

  4. Oh dear ones....I read all your posts about Abby and I am just weeping with and for you. Big hugs....thank you for your testimony of faith in trial and the hope of heaven.

    Some Christian acquaintances of ours recently lost a baby boy. I don't know if it would be helpful or not for you to read her blog and get to know them, but I'll share it just in case:

  5. I just saw your post for the first time on the mom group on facebook. I am so sorry. I can not imagine going through something like this, though we have faced the death of a close family member. May God continue to comfort you and may you be able to rest in the fact that He is always in control.